*finds none.*

Oh, alright. Well, English music is getting a bit stale. I mean, opening up iTunes now I get such fantastic artists such as Deadmau5, with “Random Album Title”. Try harder, Deadmau5. And spell your bloody name right whilst you’re at it.

What else…oh, the Jonas Brothers. Eugh. God. I don’t even need words to express how distressing the fact that they’re still alive is.

So, yes, quite a dull scene. Where else is there to look, then, but to the French? Alright, alright, you’re right, it does sound just slightly obnoxious (but less so than the Jonas Brothers.) It does bring to mind quite archaic sounds, too. But, you know, some of it sounds really good.

Forgive me, then, when I say when I clicked on the most interesting song, I was enthralled. Well, perhaps that’s not the best word, but I can’t think of a better adjective right now. Silenced! Wait. Too late. Damn.

Have a listen to it. (L’effet papillon, by Bénabar)

That’s the funniest video I’ve seen in a while. His expression! Ah.

Next, Le dîner, by Bénabar. I adore this song mainly because it speaks of a situation that doubtless any man has been in. Well, I’m not so sure about some guys, but, you know…

Fruitful though that is, I assume we should get some feminine voices into the mix. Being slightly less shallow—but only slightly, because I picked this for the album cover and that only—I picked up on the rather interestingly named Amandie Bourgeois with her latest single L’homme de la situation.

You’ll have to turn your speakers up for that one (NB: I’m not trying to trick you into deafening yourself. Okay, a little bit.) I like the fluffy man. He’s funny. Okay, less superficial…ly (is that even a word?), she has a good voice and the chorus is damn catchy, even if she has the really, really unfortunate affliction of not being able to pronounce the word je, which means “I” in French, instead misrepresenting it as “j’aie”, meaning “I have.” That’s just wrong.

Having been intrigued by Cœur de pirate, a bloody stupid name at the best times, I played Comme des enfants. It was so not what I was expecting. It was sweet. I know, how can an artist with “pirate” anywhere near its name produce something…nice? Eugh, it confounds me!

Well, I guess it just teaches you: never trust an album by its cover. Pfft, like I’d stop doing that. If you haven’t put the effort in to be pretty, you ain’t getting my money.

Anyway, having not learnt my lesson, I chose Ariane Moffatt as my next…experience. It was colourful, as you’ll soon find out. (Je veux tout.)

It does sound a bit weird—okay, a lot weird—but it’s actually pretty good once you get into it. It’s also brilliant because the French is very easy, so if you’re a GCSE student or something and want to enjoy a song you can actually understand, this is the one.

Finally (the crusades are approaching their end!), we find Indochine. These lot I’m not as fond of, I must admit. They belong to a group I like to call “White Noise Musicians”; that is, they make good music to listen to in the background, but it’s dull as hell if you’re actually, really…listening. Last one, now. It’s called Little Dolls (I really hate it when they put English in, you know. Eugh.)

Enjoy the sweet loads, my merry lads.

The police system took a massive U-turn, and instead of the standard wanted-stars-which-never-go-away formula, they’ve mixed it up with inclusion of a search area. Sounds good? It’s not. It seems that the difficulty curve swerves massively up after three stars as pretty much all the police cars in Liberty screech after you. Even when you’re at a petty one the Random Placement Monster wants your blood more than a deranged rabbit, randomly spawning on-foot policemen and absolutely refusing to label these on the radar so the damn area is reset.

Driving’s also taken a turn for the worse in IV. All the cars—and I mean all of them—have terrible steering, and that just doesn’t work when the city has more sharp corners than a Rubik’s Cube which has been attacked by ninjas. Whenever you go somewhere whilst vaguely breaking the speed limit the gameplay pauses and steps aside to let the physics engine piss all over your face whilst you furiously mash the controls.

Now, understand me when I say that the game is truly amazing. The storyline is as immersive as a warm duvet and has a bit more depth than the comparatively shallow American-cheerleader stuff we’re used to. You’ll hear about your missions after a bit on the radio and can read about them on the Internet. The same dark sense of humour is there, right down to the logo of the bowling alley and the name of the drink vendors. The game still has some of the pin-ups of its predecessors: you can, for example, have fun with a prostitute and then step outside, gun her down and take back your money. Even the Pay ’n’ Spray is still there, although it is of dubious use unless you want to skip ahead a few hours in the game, which wouldn’t be necessary if the game didn’t decide to be a bitch and opening hours on the missions. The whore.

The combat system has been majorly revamped for the better, now emphasizing a duck-and-cover system. There are a couple of problems with it: Niko, the protagonist of arbitrary name, has a terrible tendency to take cover on the wrong side, allowing him to be riddled with more holes than a female cheese. That doesn’t subtract from the slightly sick fun of blasting people with a shotgun or watching them slowly burn when you litter the area with Molotov cocktails. The rocket launcher maintains its position as most destructive weapon, and I find myself subconsciously reaching for it because the explosions are so damn pretty. That’s right. They’re pretty. It’s beautiful watching drivers being cremated in their former vehicles. God, I need to get out more.

I haven’t yet found my ideal radio station in Liberty, but they make a comeback. Lazlow is back, and, although he’s a lot more obnoxious than he was in III, so he’s lost some of his appeal, but it is fun watching him toss around the term “Web 2.0”, which as is irritating and commonplace in the game as it is online.

Okay, I’m being a bit harsh. I love GTA IV, and not without reason. The immersion, wit and simple brilliance pretty much counteracts anything I could throw at it (apart from the driving: that will always suck.) I’m going to play on it a bit more. It’s amazing.

Keep your lives, though, lads.